I woke up with excitement on what to someone else would be just a regular November day. However, to me, this day was special. Today was the day my pen-pal Siddhartha would be flying in to come visit me in the United States. He had never made a trip to the states before and I was up to the challenge to make sure it was the best trip ever. I made my way to the airport to pick Siddhartha up. Once there I had my sign with his name written on it and wait for his arrival. Once I saw him I waved him down and finally introduced myself in person.
“Hey, Siddhartha, its nice to finally meet you!” I said.“It’s nice to meet you in person as well Casey.” Siddhartha replied.
We then drove back to my home town of South Hadley where I had a packed day planned. However, first after a long plane ride, Siddhartha wanted to take a quick nap, so we made our way to my house. As we arrive I introduce him to my family, and get him situated in the guest bedroom. After a long nap, I grabbed Siddhartha and drove him to one of my most favorite parts of South Hadley, the Connecticut River. As I drove down to the Marina, Siddhartha looked very intrigued.
“Are you the ferryman of this river,” (pg.101) Siddhartha asked.
“No, not at all, I do not even own a boat. Here at the Marina, many people own boats where they keep them docked here and take them into the river. I love the river and I think its the most peaceful place in town. I took him on my neighbors boat which I borrowed for the day. I took him out into the river and he quickly grew accustom to the river.
“This river reminds me a lot of a place in my home land that I once traveled on. (pg.53)
However, being on this huge motored powered boat isn’t the same as that Bamboo boat.”
I then had a thought and brought Siddhartha to the roof floor. Here we sat in comfy chairs and meditated. Time flew by, and before we knew it, the sun was setting. Sitting on the river looking as the sun falls behind the mountains is one of the best sights in the world. It took Siddhartha breath away. As we called it quits on the river, I drove the boat to land and headed back to my home were we both spent the night. We had to get a good nights sleep for our big day tomorrow. For tomorrow we would be flying to Las Vegas!We both woke up extra early to head out for our flight to the Sin City where I would show Siddhartha how Americans have a good time. After we caught our flight and landed, we jumped in our limo that I ordered to take us to Caesars Palace, where we would be staying in one of their pent houses. As we drove by all the bright buildings, Siddhartha’s eyes were popping out of his head. He could not believe what he was seeing. All of the giant buildings, all the people walking around, all the traffic, and all the entertainment. After stopping by our luxurious room, we decided to hit the tables and try out our luck at gambling. Being the nice guy I am, I gave Siddhartha $1000 to us as starting money. After losing half of it, he actually started getting the hang of the whole betting thing. After winning his money back, he was not done there. Siddhartha ended up tripling his money and decided to call it quits. With the extra money, we bought dinner and saw a show. Then we hit the night life. We entered a club which was crazy. There were people everywhere, there was a dance floor, a DJ, crazy lights, strippers, and bars. Siddhartha was totally out of his element. So instead of joining me on the dance floor, he decided to take a seat near a stripper, where unlike most men there struck up a conversation with the girl. After a while I became nervous and got him away from here as fast as I could. Siddhartha was upset with me.
“Casey, what is the meaning of this, I was in the middle of a conversation with a beautiful girl!”
“Sorry Siddhartha, but I’m afraid if that conversation got any longer you might have got billed.”
“But she seemed so nice, she reminded me of Kamala (pg.45).
“Yeah, and if any of the other girls saw the money that you won tonight, they would have loved to have a conversation with you too.”
Siddhartha Soon became annoyed with all the commotion so we headed back to our pent house. When we awoke in the morning, we had our full share of what Las Vegas had to offer. We both decided that even though that the Sin City is exciting and adventurous, that it just isn’t us. Siddhartha and I both agreed that our time spent relaxing on the river back in South Hadley was much more suiting to our personalities. So after we all were packed up, we made our way back to the airport, where we said our final goodbyes and headed back to our own homes. Spending my couple days with Siddhartha was something I would never forget.
1) I feel the best part of this essay is the attempted conversation with the stripper. It's humorous and reminds me of something Siddhartha would do if presented with the situation. My favorite is definitely “Yeah, and if any of the other girls saw the money that you won tonight, they would have loved to have a conversation with you too.” It's witty and to-the-point.
ReplyDelete2)The quiet ascetic could use some improvement. I feel that you were much more descriptive and original with your sensory indulgent paragraph, and the quiet one looks a bit dull next to it. There are minor errors that you may want to check in this paragraph as well as more original content. For example: "I made my way to the airport to pick Siddhartha up." as you probably have read from examples, a LOT of people have used this to start their essays. consider starting your essay at your house, or perhaps on the river and give some back-story afterward.
3) “Are you the ferryman of this river,” (pg.101) Siddhartha asked.
“But she seemed so nice, she reminded me of Kamala (pg.45).
Unfortunately, none of the quotes used seem to flow. They are something called 'quote dumps,' which is when you present the quote in the essay without any context. The best solution would be to add something before the quote that suggests it's more like a quote and less like borrowed dialogue.
4)"He had never made a trip to the states before and I was up to the challenge to make sure it was the best trip ever."
I think you have made a wonderful start in your introduction. I certainly wanted to keep reading, and I would only offer the same advice as I offered in question two, more originality.
1. I agree with what Jess said because it is very typical of Siddhartha to think that the stripper is just a beautiful girl wanting to have a conversation. It really seemed to fit and you were very creative when involving this scene.
ReplyDelete2. I think that you could describe more to what the river had to offer to Siddhartha. I want to know what he saw and how he felt about all of this change of scenery.
3. I thought that your quotes were good but i feel like before and after this quote, it could use some more detail. The quote i am referring to is “This river reminds me a lot of a place in my home land that I once traveled on. (pg.53) " i feel that you could really describe what his home land and this river had in common or didn't have in common.
4. I thought that your introduction was good and wanted to keep me reading. I would suggest trying to add a new location or spice it up a little more instead of just saying, "He had never made a trip to the states before and I was up to the challenge to make sure it was the best trip ever." There is a lot of potential with this story, the ideas are great, it could just use some grammatical checking, and some more descriptions intertwined throughout.
The part about Vegas was the better of the two locations in the story. I like how Siddhartha chatted with a Stripper, “‘Casey, what is the meaning of this, I was in the middle of a conversation with a beautiful girl!’”, his reaction afterwards was also humorous and fitting.
ReplyDeleteThe part about the Connecticut River was less convincing. The dialogue and references were good, but there was little talk or thought about the meditation. It seemed like it was a short meditation without a result. I also don’t know how much Siddhartha would have enjoyed meditating on the boat rather than aside the river on the shore. Some grammar issues also keep the section from being all it can be. I feel that this section, “As we arrive I introduce him to my family, and get him situated in the guest bedroom. After a long nap, I grabbed Siddhartha and drove him to one of my most favorite parts of South Hadley”, needs so work.
The references were well used. In the first section when Siddhartha asks, “Are you the ferryman of this river”, I laughed. It was a good way to use Siddhartha’s innocence and lack of familiarity with the modern world for humor. The other reference, “But she seemed so nice, she reminded me of Kamala”, was also good, the stripper might just remind Siddhartha or Kamala, because Kamala was a courtesan.
The introduction is well done. I wanted to know why the day was special for you. Also the fact that Siddhartha was your pen pal was funny and maybe possible. I also enjoyed your enthusiasm to make it the best trip ever.
I think the best part of the story was Vegas, and I thought there was more description than the river Casey, what is the meaning of this, I was in the middle of a conversation with a beautiful girl!” this seemed to be fitting for the place and the coverstaion that Siddhartha started.
ReplyDeleteI think that the river scene and descriptions could have used more detail.
“But she seemed so nice, she reminded me of Kamala (pg.45). This quote didn't seem to flow with the rest of the story that followed it and I think some more dialouge after that before he goes back to the penthouse would make it flow more.
The introduction was very well wrttien, but i wanted to know why this day was going to be special for you
I think that the better part of the story was when you brought Siddhartha to Vegas. I thought that it was very funny and creative that you had him talk with a stripper, “‘Casey, what is the meaning of this, I was in the middle of a conversation with a beautiful girl!’”, This made me laugh and was not something i would expect Siddhartha to say.
ReplyDeleteI think that when you brought him to the conneticut river it was less descriptive. Although i have seen the river before others may not have so in order for your reader to fully understand what its like, i think you would need better description to show that. I want to know what he saw in the river and how it affected Siddhartha.
I thought that all of the references were well used in your story. “But she seemed so nice, she reminded me of Kamala" (pg.45). This line was used in the story and flowed with the story well.
I really liked the introduction. It made me want to continue on and read your story and i was interested to know where you were going to take Siddhartha next. And also i thought it was creative how you said he was your pen pal instead of a family member, for example.